"Healing yourself is connected with healing others." - Yoko Ono
are definitely one of the most dynamic and "complicated" relationships because it involves so much INNER work.
A common question I often hear is: "How can I help my partner. My partner is going through this crazy roller coaster ride, feels unworthy, not enough and hasn't been happy for a long time."
Being in a relationship with someone like this, most of the time often breaks our own hearts, because we want to be able to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to uplift that person. Just to see them smile, laugh or feel happy again.
& that is normal! That means you have empathy and that you care.
But there are some fine-line boundaries here that shouldn't be crossed.
First, I'll get into what you can do to help your partner get out of their runt.
TALK TO THEM.
Clearly, intelligently, emphatically and sincerely. Make sure you are coming to the table with a clear, focused mind and leaving any resentful emotions behind. Ask them deep questions like:
"Why have you been feeling this way?"
"What has been triggering this feeling in you?"
"If there is anything that can be changed, what would you change?"
"The emotion you are describing, what memories are coming up from that?"
"Is there something I can do or say that would make you feel better ?"
Ask these with all sincerity and be a container for them to pour all their emotions, concerns in. Let them speak without any judgement from your part. Allow them the space to be vulnerable and get as much as they can off their chest.
These conversations with my partner always leads to some self discovery and some things that sometimes we both need to work on. Usually after such conversations, both of us feel better because it is like we have found a chest full of treasure i.e. something we really need to work on to make ourselves the best version of OURSELVES for us but also for each other.
See that's the thing, you get these ground breaking conversations and solid relationships when you put two conscious people together, wanting to create their best life and their BEST SELVES.
The fine line here though is when you do ask these questions and you don't get much out of your partner. They seem closed off or readily to push you away. Time and time again you may try to talk to them or even let them know that this cannot continue this way because now it is starting to become toxic for you too.
You have to start to recognize when a person is addicted to this way of being; addicted to their own drama thus craving for the attention they get when they do this (of course, this comes from a traumatic event that happened in their lives) but there comes a time when enough is enough.
You also have to take care of yourself and your mental health.
Is this person willing to change?
Are they willing to do the work they need to do?
Are they willing to accept responsibility for their behavior ?
If the answer is no, then you must ask yourself the question:
"Am I willing to stay with this person long term until and IF they fix themselves?"
And dependent on your answer, that is when you know what you need to do for yourself.
I wouldn't ever tell that person to leave but I know if that was me, I would not stay with a person that cannot, just cannot and will not pick themselves back up. But that is just who I am.
Throughout my life, I have fallen and fallen hard (obstacles in my life) and every time I have picked myself back up, even when it was super hard. I have learned resilience and I also expect the same out of my partner because no doubt, there will be difficult times in our lives but it is how we FACE those times together and what we do with them that will make us stronger.
Watch my video below to see me talk about this issue and how you can start deciding whether you want to stay in this kind of relationship or leave for your own mental health.
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Lots of Love
- Alexandra xo
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