"The nature of love is to ebb and flow. If your relationship is ebbing don't automatically assume something is wrong. Subtle distance can be ok." - Sevin Philips
Relationships are constantly moving, growing and evolving. They do not stay stuck in one phase but they continue to evolve and move in their own way and it isn't based on someone else's script or story of how a relationships SHOULD be or LOOK like.
It requires two unique conscious beings to participate in the entanglement and give it breath and life into whatever they are creating. We need to be OK with however that looks like so that it can take on us a journey that we come to truly love and appreciate.
We are so use to buying into the idea that once we meet someone, we fall in love hard and stay in love in that exact way but that is so silly to believe, as what makes us appreciate the relationship and the person we are with is the fact that we go on a journey with that person. Don't follow the stories or what they show you on the movies, it is all based on two fictional characters who are in love and show you 2 hours of "their" life.
i understand why people believe in that and especially when we are consistently exposed to that story line in movies over and over again, but it truly gives us the wrong idea of our expectations in relationships and often lead to a broken heart and a broken relationship. And I don't blame you for believing or wanting to believe in that and having those expectations, as I definitely use to be that person as well, and I eventually learned over time what a relationship truly is.
Because of my belief of this magical, beautiful idea of a relationship and how it should always look so magical and beautiful all the time and be that in love all the time, my experiences of relationships showed me something completely different and I am sure yours did as well.
"I trust the ebb and flow of the universe. I trust that life's bigger than what I can see. I trust that there is a divine order beyond my control. And I trust that no matter what happens, I will be alright." - Oprah Winfrey
I went from relationship to relationship first thinking that I just haven't found "THE ONE" and after a couple of those short lived relationships and one long awful one, then I started to think that having that airy fairy relationship just doesn't exist. Shortly after that though, I indeed found someone that I personally thought was THE ONE because it started as airy, fairy and magical as it could ever be. It was everything I pictured I would feel and how it would look like when I found my person - or so my naive young self believed it to be so - but after 3 years of that relationship that took me on a roller coaster ride of emotional abuse, disrespect and just a relationship that should of ended MUCH earlier than it did.
I slowly started to think to myself what on earth was I doing wrong, how could movies, shows and other outside sources around me say that relationships were this amazing, beautiful, ecstatic feeling of love, bliss and happiness? It is then when I really started to dig further in myself, doing my own inner work and healing my trauma around this area of my life. I discovered so much about myself and how I was attracting toxic relationships. Firstly I was definitely codependent and believed that someone else should make me happy (HOW FALSE THAT IS!) and secondly I had so many false expectations towards my partner and our relationship.
"We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, love and relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh
I started to let all of that go, this idea of how a relationship should be and started to heal my past traumas plus my codependency. I literally declared that I would be single for however long I needed to be because frankly, I just didn't care anymore. I truly didn't. Funnily enough because the universe does have a funny sense of humor, that is exactly when the heavens opened up and sent me the person that I am with currently. Frankly, I was rather shocked and completely unprepared for a relationship but I took baby steps along the way with 0 ( YES 0!!) expectations.
Because I had 0 expectations, my relationship with my current partner continued to blossom into something more serious. We were both very open, we were vulnerable and willing to understand each others needs, wants and how we saw the future without any of us giving each other ultimatums, or bending our own happiness for one another. We were basically as raw as ever and because of that a new kind of relationship started to appear into my world.
Of course, this is also because of the SERIOUS work I did and continue to do so on myself that has helped me have such an amazing experience.
When our relationship started to become more serious, meaning when we started to really commit to each other and start building our future together, of course just like any other relationship in the beginning it was cloud 9 feelings, in love 24/7 and there was a part of me that was a bit scared of having that end because previously when that phase would end, all my relationships would collapse into ashes, but I leaned in and decided to see where this journey would take us.
"Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way the like." - Lao Tzu
Thankfully again because of the amount of work we both put into ourselves, our relationship and our lives, we were both prepared for anything to happen and we were both okay if we truly did have to go our separate ways. Well, let me tell you because of this beautiful openness, vulnerability and 0 expectations but having faith in the good and positive no matter what, this relationship has taught me something truly beautiful that no relationship prior to this one has.
My relationship taught me that when we start creating something with someone, we go on a journey that no one else can ever experience, that no one would have ANY idea what it is like or how it truly looks like because it is OUR OWN JOURNEY. We had our down days, we had our up days, we had days where we both wanted to quit, we had days where we were more in love than when we first met each other and we both learned that that is just how it is suppose to look like. The ebbs and flows of our own personal relationship and we just have to accept that this relationship is it's own thing and will go on it's own journey however it needs to.
As long as we are both honest, kind, vulnerable and communicative we will always survive anything that comes our way, even if that means going our own separate ways. It is absolutely liberating of how much freedom there is in this relationship because of very low expectations of how it "SHOULD" look like and be like (of course, we do have boundaries like no cheating etc.) We just allow it to be what it needs to be and continuously grow from it.
I can honestly say because of the space we created in our relationship and we enjoy the journey that it takes us on, I am more in love than ever before and seriously think that going further with this kind of energy in my relationship, that I will continue to fall in love even deeper.
It truly is a beautiful thing.
So ask yourself does your relationship look/sound like a little like mine did in the beginning of this post? Ask yourself how many expectations are you putting on your relationship and just how dependent you are on your spouse. See how that kind of energy only makes the both of you feel absolutely trapped with little space to breath or do what you want to do.
Eventually those kind of relationships always end and if they don't, they just become toxic and awful for both partners.
"Life is beautiful. Like a beautiful blue wave, it ebbs and flows, sometimes gushing forth and sometimes receding quietly." - Pooja Ruprell
its time to allow relationships to be whatever they have/need to be and give it space to evolve on its own path based on the 2 conscious people involved (obviously if there are more of you involved, then 3, 4 or more conscious beings) But give it the space it needs, without judgement or expectation and that is how you come to understand what an amazing relationship is and means to you .
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Enjoy the journey in your own life, career and your relationships. They are all truly unique and beautiful.
Lots of love.
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