Why did he do that?
Why did she say that to me?
What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment from my partner?
Do any of those questions sound familiar to you? I know to a past version of myself they definitely are familiar and I am thankful now that those no longer resonate with me. I have moved past those questions and now ask a whole set of different kind of questions, like:
What's in me that attracted this behaviour to myself? What do I need to learn from this? What is this other person going through to have made them do this to me?
And it is a whole different ball game when you can get to that level of your relationships and your life. It is taking responsibility of yourself and even for how others show up to you. I know that some of you would think: "EVEN HOW OTHERS SHOW UP TO YOU?! but how?!? How can you take responsibility of how others treat you and say things to you."
Well, you start to understand that the outside world is just a reflection of yourself, so if you attracted that kind of experience to yourself, there must be something inside yourself that brought you that experience and when I can see this from this point of view, then I understand myself better; I understand the world better.
When I understand myself, I understand the world better.
As most of us operate the other way around, a lot of us end up getting into toxic or unhealthy relationships that are codependent and filled with unrealistic expectations. Again, this was an old version of myself that definitely once was there experiencing these kind of relationships but thankfully because of that, it lead me to my healing journey where I understand myself better.
When I went through those toxic relationships and kept putting the blame on my partner all the time, it lead me to my healing journey where I really looked within and saw all the things I needed to see. I healed my childhood trauma, I healed all my relationship beliefs that brought those old experiences to myself. I literally started to understand reality and what it really is and those wise quotes about our outer world being a reflection of our inner world, just started to make more sense.
When you come from an abusive childhood and have made a lot of different and mostly negative beliefs about relationships, you will only receive that experience later on in your adult life. So if you believe that you are unworthy, unlovable, that all partners eventually will cheat on you, you can ONLY get that kind of experience because you as this genius creator of life, are the one deciding on what you want to experience.
See, we go through life deciding what is true to us based on our previous experiences, we experience enough negative situations in the relationship department (this goes from our own relationship experiences to our friends and family) eventually over time, we gather enough evidence of how relationships look like and what they mean. So when our minds have collected enough data, it will only search in the OUTSIDE world a reflection of those beliefs, because it absolutely cannot hold anything else you didn't put in it or believe to be true. You are it's master and you are the one deciding on those beliefs, so ultimately it will only listen to you and what you put in into the data base.
So when I have clients that come to me about their relationship issues, the first and foremost thing you should do, is separate yourself from all those relationships and start healing yourself, start healing your childhood trauma, your relationship beliefs, you need to do a big dive within yourself to understand why those experiences came to be. A lot of people when they do this, they start to see a pattern and start to understand why Joe or Sammy came into their life and treated them the way they did. Either that person felt unworthy so Joe was a perfect candidate to reflect that back to that person or Sammy was the perfect candidate to show that person that relationships are unstable and cannot be trusted.
See it will always be just a reflection of what you believe.
So to this day when I experience something I don't like either in general or within another person, I only ask myself WHY. Why did I experience that? What did I need to learn from that? What kind of beliefs may I still have that have just been reflected to me? These are such eye opening and wise questions to ask yourself because you no longer play the victim role and beg for others or God to tell you why these awful things continue happening to you. This is the whole other beautiful level that you get to play where you take responsibility for everything; EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE. Now this doesn't mean you have to take care of everyone and have others needs above your own. No, this simply means you don't play the victim anymore in your relationships and life. You take the lead, the responsibility and of course, if someone is being awful to you, leave them, don't talk to them. It doesn't mean that others can overstep your boundaries. This just means, UNDERSTAND why this happened to you in the first place, so that YOU can LEARN and GROW from it instead of going on for years blaming the other person for something. This kind of way of being actually frees you from those negative experiences because you understand that you had a role to play in it as well.
So learn what you need to learn, take all the lessons with you and move on to a different level in your life where you switch your beliefs so that your reality can reflect those desired beliefs. You have so much power that you can literally choose to play victim and experience negative situations but up until you wake up to that power, you may always choose something that is less than the power we all hold.
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Awaken to the truth with the power that you hold,
- Alexandra xox
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